October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and if you’re thinking this doesn’t apply to you or anyone you know, we need to talk.
Here’s the thing: domestic violence doesn’t always look like what we see in movies or public service announcements. It’s not always visible bruises or dramatic confrontations. Sometimes it’s quiet. Sometimes it’s confusing. Sometimes, the person experiencing it doesn’t even recognize it themselves.
It’s Not Always What You Think
Domestic violence can look like:
- Your partner constantly checking your phone or demanding to know where you are
- Being told you’re “too sensitive” every time you express how you feel
- Walking on eggshells in your own home, constantly adjusting your behavior to avoid conflict
- Being isolated from friends and family, sometimes so gradually you didn’t notice it happening
- Having your finances controlled or being made to feel financially dependent
- Being blamed for your partner’s anger or behavior
- Feeling like you’re losing your sense of reality because they deny things you know happened
It’s not just physical. It’s emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse too. And it happens across all genders, sexual orientations, races, socioeconomic backgrounds, and communities.
The Intersectionality of Domestic Violence
Domestic violence doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and the experience of it, and access to help, looks different depending on who you are.
For LGBTQIA+ individuals, abusers may threaten to out their partner or claim that no one will believe them because of their identity. For immigrants, threats about immigration status or deportation can be used as tools of control. For people of color, systemic racism and historical mistrust of institutions can make seeking help feel unsafe or futile. For people with disabilities, abusers may withhold medication, mobility aids, or caregiving support.
Economic status matters too. Someone without access to their own money or career opportunities faces different barriers to leaving than someone with financial independence. Cultural and religious backgrounds can add layers of shame, family pressure, or community judgment that complicate an already impossible situation.
These intersecting identities don’t just affect the experience of abuse, they affect who feels safe reaching out for help, who gets believed, and what resources are actually accessible.
What Therapists Notice
As therapists, we’re trained to pick up on signs that might indicate domestic violence, even when it’s never explicitly mentioned:
In sessions, we might notice:
- You seem anxious about your partner finding out you’re in therapy
- You frequently apologize or second-guess yourself
- There are unexplained interruptions during video sessions, or you seem distracted by what’s happening off-camera
- You minimize concerning behaviors or make excuses for your partner
- Your self-esteem has noticeably declined over time
- You express feeling isolated or mention that friends and family have pulled away
- You describe feeling responsible for your partner’s emotions or behaviors
- There’s a pattern of canceled appointments, often last-minute
- You mention needing to “keep the peace” or avoid certain topics at home
We’re not here to judge, diagnose your relationship from the outside, or tell you what to do. But we are here to help you see clearly what might be hard to see from the inside.
How Therapy Can Actually Help
If you’re experiencing domestic violence, or think you might be, therapy can be a lifeline. Here’s how:
Creating a safe space: Sometimes the therapy room (even virtually) is the only place where you can speak freely without fear of consequences. We provide confidential, non-judgmental space to process what you’re experiencing.
Reality-checking: Abuse often involves gaslighting and manipulation that makes you doubt your own perceptions. A therapist can help you trust yourself again and validate that what you’re experiencing isn’t okay.
Safety planning: We can work with you on practical steps to increase your safety, whether you’re planning to leave, not ready to leave, or somewhere in between. There’s no judgment about where you are in the process.
Processing trauma: Even after leaving an abusive situation, the effects linger. Therapy helps you heal from trauma, rebuild your sense of self, and develop healthy relationship patterns.
Connecting to resources: We can help connect you with domestic violence organizations, legal resources, shelters, financial assistance programs, and other support services tailored to your specific needs and identity.
Building your support system: Abuse thrives in isolation. We can help you reconnect with people who care about you or build new supportive relationships.
Addressing intersectional needs: A culturally competent therapist understands how your various identities affect your experience and can help you navigate the unique challenges you face.
You Don’t Have to Have It All Figured Out
One of the biggest misconceptions about domestic violence is that people should “just leave.” But leaving is often the most dangerous time, and the decision to leave is complicated by finances, children, immigration status, disability, fear, hope that things will change, and a hundred other factors.
You don’t have to have a plan. You don’t have to be ready to leave. You don’t even have to be sure that what you’re experiencing “counts” as abuse. You just have to be willing to talk about what’s happening and explore your options.
Therapy isn’t about us telling you what to do with your relationship. It’s about helping you reclaim your voice, your clarity, and your power to make decisions that are right for you.
If This Resonates With You
If anything in this blog feels familiar, please know: you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and you’re not overreacting.
We offer telehealth services that allow you to access support from the privacy of wherever you feel safe. We understand the complexities of domestic violence and work with clients from all backgrounds and identities.
Whether you’re ready to make changes or just need someone to help you process what you’re going through, we’re here.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7, confidential support) Crisis Text Line: Text START to 88788