It’s a scene that plays out in countless homes: Someone agrees to plans they don’t actually want, forcing a smile while resentment builds inside. Or perhaps at work, where a team member sits silently during meetings despite having valuable input, only to complain to colleagues later.These everyday moments highlight the struggle many face with assertive communication.
What Does Assertiveness Actually Mean?
Assertiveness is a communication style. It is being able to express your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions in an open manner that doesn’t violate the rights of others (CCI Module).
While many believe assertiveness means always getting your way, that’s not accurate. Rather, it’s about expressing yourself in a way that acknowledges and respects both your needs and the needs of others. Sometimes, being assertive leads to compromise that benefits everyone involved.
The Communication Spectrum We All Navigate
Think of assertiveness as a spectrum with different approaches to interaction:
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Passive: This is where one violates their own rights. Under passivity is often anger. Those who consistently defer to others’ wishes while ignoring their own needs may seem agreeable on the surface, but frustration inevitably builds underneath.
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Assertive: The balanced middle ground where both your rights and others’ rights receive equal respect.
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Aggressive: A style that violates the rights of others. Under aggression is often shame. When someone bulldozes through conversations without considering others’ perspectives, relationships typically suffer.
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Passive-aggressive: This is where someone is being aggressive but in a passive or indirect way. Think of the colleague who agrees to a deadline in a meeting but then deliberately misses it, or someone who uses sarcasm to express displeasure instead of direct communication.
The Emotional Core of Communication Patterns
What drives these different communication styles? It’s fascinating to consider the emotions beneath the surface.
Shame and anger are both protective—there is nothing wrong with protection. These emotions serve as shields when people feel vulnerable or threatened.
Assertiveness, though, is connective. By learning assertive communication, we move out of a place of protection and isolation and toward a place of greater connection, understanding, and intimacy.
Common Scenarios Where Assertiveness Matters
Consider these everyday situations that many clients describe in therapy:
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A friend consistently arrives 30 minutes late to planned meetups
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A family member makes unsolicited comments about weight or appearance
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A coworker interrupts repeatedly during team discussions
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A neighbor plays loud music late into the night
In each case, the assertive response honors both parties’ needs without escalating tension or suppressing legitimate concerns.
Building the Assertiveness Muscle
Assertiveness is a skill that strengthens with practice. Some practical starting points include:
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Using clear “I” statements that express feelings without blame (“I feel frustrated when meetings run over our scheduled time”)
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Setting boundaries with simple, direct language (“I’m not available to take on extra projects this week”)
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Pausing before automatically saying “yes” to requests
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Practicing the art of saying “no” without excessive explanations or apologies
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Paying attention to body language—maintaining eye contact, speaking at an appropriate volume, and standing in a confident but open posture
The Journey Toward Authentic Expression
Learning assertive communication is rarely a straight line. There are moments of progress followed by old patterns reasserting themselves.
That’s completely normal and part of the growth process.
What matters is the overall direction, moving from silence or aggression toward clear, respectful expression of needs and boundaries.
Remember that assertiveness isn’t just about words, it’s about creating space for authentic connection while honoring everyone’s inherent worth. By shifting from protection to connection, new possibilities emerge in relationships of all kinds.