Last week, I had one of those mornings that I dread. I was racing to get ready for work, and I knocked over my roommate’s favorite coffee mug – the one that her grandmother gave her before passing away last year. As I stood there, staring at the ceramic shards scattered across our kitchen floor, I felt afraid of hurting her feelings and ashamed that I had made this mistake. I tried to figure out how I was going to avoid the confrontation because I was worried she would feel angry, punish me or reject me, and no longer want to be friends.
Luckily after my initial responses, my training in assertiveness and distress tolerance started to come back. These are the foundations of transformative justice, something we often discuss with clients. Now, I know that term might sound heavy to some, but stick with me – it’s something we all deal with every day: how to make things right when things go wrong. This was more than just the repair of a broken mug. It was about building trust, care, and how we handle those moments when we mess up (and we all do).
Why Punishment and the Fear of Punishment Isn’t the Answer
Think about the last time someone really let you down. Maybe your best friend forgot your birthday, your partner said something thoughtless during an argument, or your coworker took credit for your idea during a meeting.
What was your first reaction? If you’re like most of us, you probably wanted to:
– Give them the silent treatment
– Fire off an angry text
– Tell everyone else what they did wrong
– Cut them out of your life entirely
Trust me, I get it. These initial angry and protective reactions are totally natural. But here’s the thing – do they actually make anything better?
A Different Way Forward to Repair our Relationships
Instead of asking “How do I make them pay for this?” what if we asked different questions, like:
-“I wonder what their intent was or what informed their behavior?”
-“What would actually help repair this situation so we can move forward in connection?”
-“How can we both learn and grow from this?”
-”How can I show up as authentic and honest?”
Let’s go back to my broken mug situation. Sure, I could have avoided my roommate or ignored her asking questions about her mug. Instead, I sent her a text: “Hey, I need to tell you something. I accidentally broke your grandmother’s mug this morning. I know how much it meant to you, and I feel terrible. Can we talk about it when you get home?”
The conversation that followed wasn’t easy, but it was real. My roommate was upset as I had thought she would be. Instead of it turning into a huge fight it became a vehicle for connection and understanding, and ultimately a time for her to share. Solutions that came out of this were:
– Setting up a designated shelf for special items
– Being more mindful in shared spaces
– How I could help preserve her grandmother’s memory in other ways
Building Stronger Connections Through Difficult Moments
A client told one of our clinicians about how her teenage son lied about where he was going after school. Instead of grounding him for a month (her first instinct), she sat down with him and really listened. Turns out he was embarrassed about getting tutoring help and didn’t want his friends to know. This opened up a whole conversation about academic pressure and self-worth that might never have happened if she’d just punished him, avoided him, or cut off connection and conversation.
Starting Small
You don’t have to tackle huge conflicts to practice this approach. Start with the small stuff:
– When your partner forgets to do the dishes (again), try asking if they’re feeling overwhelmed instead of immediately getting angry
– If a friend keeps canceling plans, check in about what’s really going on in their life
– When you make a mistake, practice owning it without defensive explanations
-When someone does something that annoys you, like interrupts you in conversation, try letting them know later instead of letting resentment build
Moving Forward Together
At Greenpoint Psychotherapy, we’re learning alongside our clients every day. We’ve found that transformation often looks like finding a way to replace a broken mug and creating a new shared memory. That all of these smaller transformations lead to a culture of connection and repair. These transformations take patience and giving space to allow the unspoken parts of ourselves and others to come to the surface.
The next time something feels upsetting and scary in your life, take a breath. Remember that each conflict, no matter how small, is a chance to build something and increase intimacy through vulnerability. Maybe that broken mug in your kitchen isn’t just a mess to clean up or something to hide. Maybe it’s an opportunity to strengthen your relationships, understand yourself better, and create more healing in your corner of the world.
What small moment will you transform today to feel more intimacy, vulnerability, and ultimately feel more connected? After all, community is a verb.